How to end a conversation without being rude

Think of the last conversation that went on a little too long. You were ready to go, you suspected they were too, and somehow neither of you said so. Or the opposite: it ended just as it was getting good, and you walked away wishing it had not.

In 2021 the psychologist Adam Mastroianni and his colleagues at Harvard and the University of Virginia set out to measure how often this happens. They asked hundreds of people about a recent conversation, and they also brought strangers into a lab, let them talk for as long as they liked, and then asked each person, privately, when they had wanted it to stop.

The rest ran too long, too short, or both, for one person or the other. People also turned out to be poor at guessing what their partner wanted: they could not tell whether the other person was itching to leave or hoping to carry on. The researchers' explanation is simple. Both people are hiding their wish to leave, to be polite, so neither has the information they need to coordinate.

The lesson is freeing. If you are unsure whether to wrap up, you are in the normal position. And the person opposite is probably no better at reading you than you are at reading them, which means a clear, kind exit is a favour to both of you.

How a good goodbye is built

In 1973 the sociologists Emanuel Schegloff and Harvey Sacks published a famous paper called "Opening Up Closings". They had studied recordings of real phone calls and noticed that people almost never just stop. Instead, endings follow a recognisable shape, a little ritual that lets both people agree the conversation is over before anyone says goodbye.

Skip the signal and an ending feels abrupt, like a door shutting. Skip the goodbye and it drags on, because nobody is sure it is over. Put the four steps together and you can leave almost any conversation in about ten seconds without anyone feeling dropped.

Words that work

You do not need a clever excuse. A warm line about the conversation plus a plain statement that you are going is enough. Some versions to borrow:

Notice what is missing: no long apology, no made-up emergency. Apologising too much signals that leaving is wrong, which invites the other person to argue. A cheerful, settled tone signals the opposite.

Ending a call with a stranger online

Random voice and text chat make endings easier in one way and harder in another. Easier, because everyone knows conversations are short and either side can move on. Harder, because there is a button that ends things instantly, and it is tempting to press it mid-sentence.

A quick closing line is kinder and costs you two seconds. "Nice talking to you, I'm going to find someone else to chat to. Take care!" leaves the other person feeling fine about the conversation instead of wondering what they said wrong. It also makes you better at the whole thing, because practising a clean goodbye takes most of the dread out of starting a conversation in the first place.

One exception matters more than any etiquette. If a conversation turns rude, sexual or pushy, you do not need a pre-closing. Leave immediately, and block or report if the app lets you. Politeness is for people who are being polite back.

When they keep talking

Sometimes you give the signal and the other person sails past it. Give it once more, a little more plainly, and use their name if you know it: "Sam, I really do have to go now. Take care." Then go. Most people are relieved, not offended. They were probably waiting for someone to end it too.

So the next time you feel that small urge to leave, ask yourself one question: if they are feeling it too, which of you is going to be kind enough to say so first?

Sources: Mastroianni, A. M., Gilbert, D. T., Cooney, G. & Wilson, T. D. (2021), "Do conversations end when people want them to?", Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences; Schegloff, E. A. & Sacks, H. (1973), "Opening up closings", Semiotica.